...There Are Two Sides To Every Person...

...at least those who don't suffer from dissociative identity disorder.

Somewhere along the line we convince ourselves to hide 'the crazy', that little part of ourselves we only show family, and close friends...really close friends. We tell ourselves that this uninhibited, silly type of behavior is unbecoming and embarrassing so we keep it...tucked away. The thing is, you can't get rid of it. Those little idiosyncrasies grow and they will, eventually, come out. 'The crazy' is known to be a relationship saboteur, but it's not. If we would just let our true personalities shine all the time then there would be no lies about who you are, and people who like you will like you and not who you pretend to be for social norm sake. What's so wrong about telling a new potential friend (or potential whatever in some other cases) you still get a kick out of jumping in puddles, or that although you're an adult, clowns really freak you out, or, explaining a musical genre as being akin to over-masturbating.

Why are the first out of my mouth, "Sorry, that was a really odd thing to say, wasn't it?". But, I'm not really sorry, not at all actually. I say what I feel at the moment but then feel the need to apologize for and explain my behavior. The truth is, I love my 'crazy' and it makes me fidgety when I'm put in a situation where I can't say exactly what I want to say (though sometimes a certain level of tact is needed, this I have never minded), I start biting on my lips and my fingers go straight into my mouth for some nail pseudo-nibbling (I quit biting my nails a while back but sometimes I like to go through the motions without actually biting them off).

I like honesty from people, not mean people just honest people...there's a big difference. Simon Cowell likes to be mean but he'll never actually admit to how he actually just likes to touch his own chest because he likes the feel of his nipples through 100% cotton shirts (I don't know for sure but it sure looks like it doesn't it?)

I've got to learn how not to be apologetic for my likes and dislikes...I no longer care if some find me immature, I know I'm not...I just like experiencing life as I've never lived it before because everyday you wake up is a day you've never seen before...I hate that jaded feeling and I've learned to let it go....so here are few things that I'd like to share and get off my chest...my crazy:

I am, in fact, VERY frightened by clowns...all clowns.

I have a irrational fear of little people (I'm working on that one because it makes me feel prejudice but it's true)

I hate feet.

I still sneak in the occasional cigarette

Weed does make certain experiences better...do not ever equate marijuana to hardcore drugs that can kill from the first dose...that's just stupid. If we can acknowledge there are different levels of murder than certainly we can come to the same conclusion with pot and other drugs.

I'll get up in the middle of the night to find a cooler spot on the bed.

I've laughed so hard that I've peed a little in my undies before...also, I have doubled over from laughter, had my stomach muscles ache from laughing so hard and cry from laughing quite often (which in itself makes other people laugh because my face turns completely red)

Having a kid has taught me how to have childlike wonder for the world, my kid is awesome like that.

I am easily amused and will at least giggle at anything...I don't care much for elitist senses of humor.

I fall in lust with almost every (straight) guy I meet, if only for a few seconds, just because I like the adrenaline rush... very few of those initial attractions ever turn into something of substance...in fact, I can count those in one hand and not use all five fingers.

I've never been in an equal and healthy relationship...but turbulent ones make for really good writing material.

I sometimes get sucked into those tabloid shows then feel the need to spiritually cleanse myself for watching that crap.

I lack rock star ego...apparently that's something I need to work on..."Sonia what would you like backstage?"....."I will require a tank of full grown sea monkeys, 12 Lava Lamps in assorted colors, and 6 giant durable straws with paper balls ready for spitting."....There, rock star-ish enough?

I have an uncanny ability to feel empathy for strangers and most of the time I wish I didn't.

I love to hug people, especially if it catches them off guard.

I think it's weird when guys open doors and act chivalrous...not that I don't like it...it's just weird.

I can be superficial.

I fear I just might be sexy...because having sex appeal is too much of a responsibility.

I always have to have a crush...even when I'm dating someone.

Most of the crushes I've had are for men who are not attracted to me in the slightest...this is purposeful...because it's emotionally safe.

I suffer the stereotypical male emotionally reclusive tendencies...I'll never talk about the things in the deepest regions of my heart but I let myself be vulnerable in song.

Commitment gives me the jeebe jeeves....is that how you spell jeebe jeeves?

I have no qualms about my emotional baggage or about having to find closure on my own.

I don't look it but I can kick someone's ass if I have to but I hate actually getting angry, my hands start to shake.

I bite my lip to hide my smiles as a defense mechanism...usually, whenever I meet new people but this is especially true around people with whom I feel chemistry but don't want to.

I do cry...but only when I'm sure no one's watching.

I'll watch any movie with Jack Black or Will Ferrell in it...and I do mean any movie.

I love to see other people's crazy.


Show me your crazy.

Love,
Sonia